Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Summer Stinkers (Bad Movies of the 2007 Summer Season)

The summer usually amounts to this: a bunch of really big movies you're excited for but that are ultimately disappointing, a bunch of so-so films that exceed expectations, and a whole lot of garbage that you can smell a hundred miles away. This is a list of my summer stinkers...

Delta Farce

Yet another vehicle for Larry the Cable Guy (how does this guy get work?), the fake southern hick stars as one of a couple guys who are accidentally set to Iraq. A war spoof, this movie is unlikely to be even remotely funny. If this makes money, I'll have no faith in the world. [Editor's note: since writing this quick anti-blurb, we are happy to say that Delta Farce crashed and burned, though there were still idiots in America that handed this film $3.5 million for the weekend]

Lucky You

Another movie that has already been released but is not being removed for the sake of allowing me to say "I told you so," Lucky You also crashed on burned... maybe because it looked awful! And here's what I originally wrote: Lucky You has a good cast (Eric Bana, Drew Barrymore, Robert Duvall) but this drama/romance just looks boring as Hell. A movie about a poker player who hates his poker-playing father and who falls in love with a woman, the previews haven't shown me a single reason to go and see this in theaters, let alone watch it on DVD. Maybe this is just a hard film to market, but this one looks to come and go in a matter of weeks (I told you so!).

Hostel: Part II

The first Hostel was God-awful; I really don't understand what people liked about it. The nudity was great, but everything else was just terrible, and the gore really wasn't that good. Hostel: Part II will undoubtedly up the ante for gore, but I don't expect this new film from Eli Roth to be any better than its predecessor. While I have nothing against gore/shock films, I hope this film falls flat and kills this strange little genre once and for all (or at least for a decade or so).

Surf's Up

Are you freaking kidding me? Another penguin movie? While I didn't love Happy Feet, it came at the right time and offered some funny moments, cute penguins and great visuals. Surf's Up is late to the party, and appears to lack all three of those ingredients. The previews aren't funny, the penguins really aren't that cute, and the visuals look sub par compared to other CGI films out there. This one really looks like a disaster in the making.

Evan Almighty

When I first heard that they were making a sequel to the hit Jim Carrey comedy Bruce Almighty and that it starred show-stealer Steve Carrell, I was excited. Carrell ("The Office", The 40-Year Old Virgin, and, of course, Bruce Almighty) is at the top of his career right now and is hilarious beyond belief. Unfortunately, the movie trailers portray Evan Almighty as an unfunny attempt at making money, and I am almost certain this movie is going to suck. Am I going to go see it in theaters? Probably. Am I going to like it? Most likely not.


I've never seen the original movie, nor have I seen the Broadway play upon which this new movie is based, but everything I've seen and heard implies that Hairspray is going to suck. Other than John Travolta as a fat woman, Hairspray sounds boring and downright stupid. I also saw the movie trailer the other day at Fracture, and my fears were concerned. The movie just looks like cheesy stupidity, and offers little in the way of laughs or plot.

No Reservations

The romantic comedy starring Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart may not end up being terrible, but it doesn't look all that good, either. A romantic drama-comedy, I can see this movie being one that can't decide which genre it belongs to, as it's going to have some dark parts and some goofy parts. All in all, I read dud all over this one.


I'm a big fan of Jason Lee, but when he stars as a dog in a live-action, comedy, I see a disaster of epic proportions. How a film about a talking superhero dog made its way to theaters is beyond me, but coming it is... Hide your children in the closet.

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